Tag Archives: change

Keeping all the kings in the back row…

Keeping all the kings in the back row…

It’s been five months, the interwebs tell me, since I posted a new blog. It made me wonder why and I began reviewing the past five months, the past ten months, the past year, decade, life. I’ve been trying to remember who I was, who I am, who I am becoming, who I want(ed) to become. I believe that people don’t really change who they are, character wise; but beliefs and behaviors and experiences definitely alter the way that core self presents itself. Without getting all geeky and social workery, and keeping a trauma informed frame of reference, I’ve come to the following thought processes I am still clarifying internally:

Happiness isn’t only a noun. Like trust, it is a verb as well. A state of being. We all seem to seek it, we may delude ourselves into believing things are altruistic or selfless, but peace, true peace and grace in the sense of happiness, are mere moments we sometimes work for and sometimes come easily. They can be fleeting, lasting only a moment, no longer than a blink, a kiss, a memory. Or they may last 97 days. But there are two guarantees in terms of happiness: as long as you are consciously living (maybe when you aren’t) these moments will always end, and come again. Sometimes it’s longer between moments, sometimes they are so quick to cycle you don’t notice the breaks.

Personally, as long as I can remember, contentment eludes me most times for whatever reason. But I have the moments, glimpses that get me through to the next one. I get bored and unsatisfied with every facet of my being, but if I can keep from destroying things too permanently in the interim, I’m able to know I am okay. I am always okay. As I have matured, I’ve realized it is better to destroy my hair, paint a wall, bite my nails til they bleed… rather than walking out on jobs, people, friends, places, etc. but subconsciously I think I still check out. Some in my world realize this about me, and love me anyway. Some people know it but don’t understand it. They take it as a personal affront and push me away. But that’s okay, too. Everyone outgrows people and situations. Everyone has their own happiness to mitigate and manage. I find it easier to console and regulate myself as I get older, what used to be dissociation and borderline personality tendencies has become more nostalgia and rueful, but with a sense of peace. It’s odd.

As previously stated, I’m still processing things. I’m very proud that I have learned to forgive myself and see beauty in myself others saw and I denied. For the most part anyway, I still full on have moments of doubt and self loathing, to be sure. But even more obvious than grace, these moments are shorter. I consciously realize when I am feeling regret and doubt in my world. And I can just as easily talk myself out of it, but it’s work. It’s a verb. Love is a verb. Self love is sometimes the hardest. Learning to stop internalizing negativity and reframing it into a palatable lesson has been the crux of this year. I’m thankful for the immense amount of pain I have felt. The sense of loss. The ability to be so wrecked by something I find myself lying on the ground in a totally inconsolable heap. Because I can get up. I can still be okay. I can be loved and love again. I can accept things in the forms that I did not want. Or did not plan. I can keep going. I can be happy to have what I have, despite it not being what I dreamed or imagined. I choose peace.

And so it goes.

Silver linings.

“I can’t explain what I mean. And even if I could, I’m not sure I’d feel like it.” ~ Salinger 

I have been thinking too much lately…even more than my “normal.”

I have been thinking too much lately…even more than my “normal.”

And in those thoughts, I find myself again looking at the results of particular decisions and paths that I have been feeling unsure of lately. But in this examination with the benefit of hindsight, I find that I am ok with my world right now.

*Forgive my vagueness in the forthcoming thoughts, but I really don’t want to expose anyone’s stuff on my blog.*

For example, we all (in my experience anyway) want to do things differently than our parents, whether in a huge way or a small way. Sometimes, we find ourselves as parents seeming to repeat our parent’s mistakes or even doing things “worse” in our perception. But after a crisis, with the added layer of experience and evolution of thought we sometimes can look at something we think we were doing wrong and realize we did it right. We just didn’t know it then. Perhaps something that your parent did and exposed you to, allowed to happen, taught you to teach your children something different that people found particularly developmentally inappropriate, something kids should not be exposed to in order to save their innocence of thoughts. But because you taught them, because you told them something earlier than the experts suggest: you taught them to address a problem rather than to hide it and allow it to permeate their childlike minds.

Perhaps in another situation, what you felt you were teaching your children was to be compliant and to be passive aggressive, and called it “choosing your battles” like your mother taught you….But what you were really teaching your children was to maintain and be strong until they had the proper fortifications to change their own path.

And yet in another, maybe you thought you were giving your child an easier path, teaching them nothing but to look for an easy way out or to depend on others to do “it” for them, but really, you were teaching them that there is no set way to do things and there is NOTHING wrong with doing things different from the masses and asking for help to do it since there are no directions for this method. This is the very definition of change.

In fact, nothing has ever changed in this world for the better without someone doing something outside the “norm.” Take heart people who are movers, shakers, boat rockers and/or parents: You are probably not messing up. 😉 You are simply doing something different, which is scary. BUT not necessarily wrong. Take faith that in the future you will understand the choices you make today and the path they lead you down tomorrow. You are cutting a path for others. Embrace your machete.

change  (chnj)

v. changedchang·ingchang·es


a. To cause to be different: change the spelling of a word.
b. To give a completely different form or appearance to; transform: changed the yard into a garden.
2. To give and receive reciprocally; interchange: change places.
3. To exchange for or replace with another, usually of the same kind or category: change one’s name; a light that changes colors.

a. To lay aside, abandon, or leave for another; switch: change methods; change sides.
b. To transfer from (one conveyance) to another: change planes.
5. To give or receive the equivalent of (money) in lower denominations or in foreign currency.
6. To put a fresh covering on: change a bed; change the baby.

1. To become different or undergo alteration: He changed as he matured.
2. To undergo transformation or transition: The music changed to a slow waltz.
3. To go from one phase to another, as the moon or the seasons.
4. To make an exchange: If you prefer this seat, I’ll change with you.
5. To transfer from one conveyance to another: She changed in Chicago on her way to the coast.
6. To put on other clothing: We changed for dinner.
7. To become deeper in tone: His voice began to change at age 13.

1. The act, process, or result of altering or modifying: a change in facial expression.
2. The replacing of one thing for another; substitution: a change of atmosphere; a change of ownership.
3. A transformation or transition from one state, condition, or phase to another: the change of seasons.
4. Something different; variety: ate early for a change.