The immense weight of
A single finger touching,
Exploding my heart.
It’s a heavy realization:
Reflecting on 39 years
You are the most prolific liar in your life…And always have been.
Personally, I can convince myself that everything is true;
“The right choice.”
Rarely am I telling myself the truth-
Especially not in my head.
“Navigator” is an important role…
But so is “Driver”.
Both must give up control of many aspects…
But trust that both intend to arrive at the agreed destination…
Hope; that both travel in the same direction…
at similar speeds…
attitudes and road games can cause wear and tear…
upon both the vehicle and the occupants…
GPS often requires signals that can get lost…
Sometimes you just need to pull over and look at the map.
Haven’t done one of these in a couple years. Seems fitting as I am in my 38th year… which is the year I’ve been thinking about since I was 19 years old.
It’s been a wild ride.
And a long life.
Hopefully, I get 38 more years.
1. Codependent is not the same as interdependent… no matter how you package it, some people will never understand the difference.
2. Never take friendships for granted; even after 28 years, they can end without proper maintenance. Even with proper maintenance, people grow apart. That’s ok.
3. There are social contracts that we all must abide by, to some extent. However, any social contract that requires you to be anything but your authentic self (save for concrete moral deviance) can go fuck themselves. This is your life. You probably only get one. Love it. Live it. Choose it. You’re the driver.
4. “Stairway to heaven” really is truth. 🎵“Yes, there are two paths you can go by… But in the long run…There’s still time to change the road you’re on.”🎵 Two paths. Fear or love.
5. If you’re all the way right or all the way left, you can’t see the whole picture. Take a couple steps back and listen.
6. Echo chambers are bad.
7. Sometimes the best thing you can do as a parent is stop parenting.
8. You can lose/leave most of your things and be happy.
9. Dogs really are better than cats. By a small margin. But still better.
10. Money definitely doesn’t buy happiness. Always choose the job that feeds your soul. If you’re doing things right, someone will feed your belly.
11. When you have enough to feed your belly, feed someone else’s. When you have enough to feed your soul, feed someone else’s.
12. Energy is cyclic. I knew that years ago but I was definitely reminded repeatedly this year. Be mindful of the energy you put out. It’s easy to become comfortable, complacent, and forget.
13. Choose love. Even if it ends badly, you will end up better for it. You can leave with love. You can lead with love. You can heal with love. Always love yourself first. Insert some cliche about airplane oxygen masks.
14. Experiences are better than things. But… sweet gestures are still sweet.
15. Excitement and exuberance count. More than you realize.
16. Gratitude begets gratitude.
17. Douglas Adams really is a genius.
18. You can be aware and understand without co-opting and/or being offended. It really isn’t about you.
19. Except when it is… if you have a boundary, don’t let yourself or anyone else violate it.
20. There is healthy shame and unhealthy shame… learn the difference.
21. People tell you who they are and what they want through actions. You have to listen and watch. They often contradict each other.
22. Timing is everything. Sometimes things circle back around when you’re ready, sometimes they don’t because they were only there for the lesson.
23. The world, and humans, haven’t really changed. Comparisons are moot.
24. You can’t save anyone but yourself.
25. And Hobo Johnson/Frank is a lyrical genius.
I guess I finally agree.
It’s probably best you chose not to play with me,
I would have loved you.
I would have loved you even when I didn’t like you;
When you didn’t want me to.
When you didn’t love yourself.
I’d have taken care of myself, for you, and you, for me.
And I would have loved you.
I’d have listened:
to you breathing as you slept,
your thoughts when they were so deafening,
And your words quiet and loud, when you would share:
I’d have steadied your hands when they shook while you spoke,
Placed a hand upon your chest when you quietly raged about fathers and why their kids stuttersuck… all to choke down their feelings of humiliation and fear…
Kissed you upon every entry,
Every single tear,
Every single night.
Laughed in joy,
settled into rare silence,
gazed in awe,
and continued to glow
in your mere presence.
I would have. But yes…
Yes, it’s probably best you decided not to play with me.
Because I KNOW.
I would have definitely loved you.
And it’s only now, that I get it.
Naivety and overconfidence. What a combo.
What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass,
of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.
~ William Wordsworth
It’s been five months, the interwebs tell me, since I posted a new blog. It made me wonder why and I began reviewing the past five months, the past ten months, the past year, decade, life. I’ve been trying to remember who I was, who I am, who I am becoming, who I want(ed) to become. I believe that people don’t really change who they are, character wise; but beliefs and behaviors and experiences definitely alter the way that core self presents itself. Without getting all geeky and social workery, and keeping a trauma informed frame of reference, I’ve come to the following thought processes I am still clarifying internally:
Happiness isn’t only a noun. Like trust, it is a verb as well. A state of being. We all seem to seek it, we may delude ourselves into believing things are altruistic or selfless, but peace, true peace and grace in the sense of happiness, are mere moments we sometimes work for and sometimes come easily. They can be fleeting, lasting only a moment, no longer than a blink, a kiss, a memory. Or they may last 97 days. But there are two guarantees in terms of happiness: as long as you are consciously living (maybe when you aren’t) these moments will always end, and come again. Sometimes it’s longer between moments, sometimes they are so quick to cycle you don’t notice the breaks.
Personally, as long as I can remember, contentment eludes me most times for whatever reason. But I have the moments, glimpses that get me through to the next one. I get bored and unsatisfied with every facet of my being, but if I can keep from destroying things too permanently in the interim, I’m able to know I am okay. I am always okay. As I have matured, I’ve realized it is better to destroy my hair, paint a wall, bite my nails til they bleed… rather than walking out on jobs, people, friends, places, etc. but subconsciously I think I still check out. Some in my world realize this about me, and love me anyway. Some people know it but don’t understand it. They take it as a personal affront and push me away. But that’s okay, too. Everyone outgrows people and situations. Everyone has their own happiness to mitigate and manage. I find it easier to console and regulate myself as I get older, what used to be dissociation and borderline personality tendencies has become more nostalgia and rueful, but with a sense of peace. It’s odd.
As previously stated, I’m still processing things. I’m very proud that I have learned to forgive myself and see beauty in myself others saw and I denied. For the most part anyway, I still full on have moments of doubt and self loathing, to be sure. But even more obvious than grace, these moments are shorter. I consciously realize when I am feeling regret and doubt in my world. And I can just as easily talk myself out of it, but it’s work. It’s a verb. Love is a verb. Self love is sometimes the hardest. Learning to stop internalizing negativity and reframing it into a palatable lesson has been the crux of this year. I’m thankful for the immense amount of pain I have felt. The sense of loss. The ability to be so wrecked by something I find myself lying on the ground in a totally inconsolable heap. Because I can get up. I can still be okay. I can be loved and love again. I can accept things in the forms that I did not want. Or did not plan. I can keep going. I can be happy to have what I have, despite it not being what I dreamed or imagined. I choose peace.
And so it goes.
“I can’t explain what I mean. And even if I could, I’m not sure I’d feel like it.” ~ Salinger