The feelz are dumb.

Standard
The feelz are dumb.

I am in this strange place of processing, grieving, thinking, etc. where everything is making me feel like I have an issue with labile emotion. I am reflecting and remembering interactions from over years and looking at them with different lenses; I am realizing my part and accountability in things that previously I did not acknowledge.

I am wishing that people had the same patience and understanding for me and my behaviors, as I did for them. In the same instant that I wish that, I realize that I did not always do that for them. I am a bit of a narcissist in that I somehow see things from my perspective and not always theirs. (which really chaps my ass because that is something that I pride myself on, being able to see things from different and varying perspectives.)

Maybe someone really did miss me so much that it hurt to talk to me. Maybe someone did trust me so much that the fact that I was not as vulnerable with them was a slap in the face. Maybe my insecurities made them question their own worth. Maybe if I had just waited two more weeks.

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe

Fucking maybes. Almost as bad as “the whys”.

Why did someone not love me the way I loved them?

Why did they say they did? Why did they, but then change their minds?

Why did they react that way? Why did I? What was really happening?

Why will they change their lives for a dog, for a 23 year old face on website, but not for me when I asked and begged for months?

Why were they not there when I had my first client die?

Why is love not enough? Who is right? Smyth or Lennon?

I don’t understand people who can date multiple people at once.

I am all or nothing.

I am also the common denominator in my multitude of decisions that make my life this walking incarnation of my own manifestation.

It is not just romantic relationships either. Friendships, family relationships, etc. I always seem to fall short.

I wish I believed I was enough. I hear you when you say I am, but the actions and behaviors of the ones around me do not make me feel it.

I give and I give and when I finally take something because I have no other options left, I am the one that is left holding the bag.

 

Advertisements

About Jani

Jani grew up a gypsy anachronism, spending her early life taming her wanderlust. She clawed her way into the real world eventually obtaining two highly unpractical degrees, two children, six figure student loans and a sarcastic wit that is matched by few. She now lives in the Walterverse where she received her MSW at a ridiculously expensive University. Her future plans are to pay for the useless extra letters after her name as a super heroine. In the event that plan doesn't "work" out, she plans to return to her roots as vagabond gypsy busking in one way or another, after her children move out. HuZzah.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s