I am in this strange place of processing, grieving, thinking, etc. where everything is making me feel like I have an issue with labile emotion. I am reflecting and remembering interactions from over years and looking at them with different lenses; I am realizing my part and accountability in things that previously I did not acknowledge.
I am wishing that people had the same patience and understanding for me and my behaviors, as I did for them. In the same instant that I wish that, I realize that I did not always do that for them. I am a bit of a narcissist in that I somehow see things from my perspective and not always theirs. (which really chaps my ass because that is something that I pride myself on, being able to see things from different and varying perspectives.)
Maybe someone really did miss me so much that it hurt to talk to me. Maybe someone did trust me so much that the fact that I was not as vulnerable with them was a slap in the face. Maybe my insecurities made them question their own worth. Maybe if I had just waited two more weeks.
Fucking maybes. Almost as bad as “the whys”.
Why did someone not love me the way I loved them?
Why did they say they did? Why did they, but then change their minds?
Why did they react that way? Why did I? What was really happening?
Why will they change their lives for a dog, for a 23 year old face on website, but not for me when I asked and begged for months?
Why were they not there when I had my first client die?
Why is love not enough? Who is right? Smyth or Lennon?
I don’t understand people who can date multiple people at once.
I am all or nothing.
I am also the common denominator in my multitude of decisions that make my life this walking incarnation of my own manifestation.
It is not just romantic relationships either. Friendships, family relationships, etc. I always seem to fall short.
I wish I believed I was enough. I hear you when you say I am, but the actions and behaviors of the ones around me do not make me feel it.
I give and I give and when I finally take something because I have no other options left, I am the one that is left holding the bag.