Oh the multitude of ponderings my brain has been chock full of as of late; contradictions and questions which appear to have no answers. I over-think things, it is true. But recently, I have been trying to get out of the habit of doing so when that over-thinking does not serve my better interests.
The questions I am asking are things like, can I change anything about this situation? Am I fixating on reality or possibility? Is what I am thinking about in the past? If so, I can’t change it…only my perception of it. Is it in the future? If so, I can’t change it, only my participation in it. Is this something I am feeling or is it an emotion, because they really are not the same thing.
I am also trying to keep myself in check by examining those feelings and making sure that they are not hijacked feelings from another experience; I have a terrible tendency to finally experience things at the wrong time…. Which is to say that I may dissociate from something at the time and apply those feelings to another situation which totally does not warrant it. I do not think I am unique in this, you do it too, if you are honest with yourself.
I have also been thinking about not being so hard on myself…I seem to make allowances for people who do not treat me in the same fashion as I treat them, be it in physical life or in the ethereal relationship; I make excuses for them because of their traumas and the effects that they have had upon their life and personality; yet I treat myself much more harshly and without forgiveness without taking into account my own traumas, mental health, struggles, etc.
I hold myself to much higher standards than many of the people I surround myself with. I have really been trying to look at this and decipher why… is it so I can feel better than them because I do not let things affect me? Because if that is my motivation, I am truly self deluded, because it isn’t true. I am human. I am fucked up. I am in love with the world and I hate the world all in one singular breath.
I don’t know what it is, really.
I know that I am honest.
I know that I am loyal, to a fault.
I know that I trust others more than I trust myself in situations wherein I should do the opposite.
I know I am attracted to misanthropic men and needy women.
I know that I want to be independent and taken care of and/or protected all at the same time.
I know that I am kind.
I know that I always think of how things will affect and are affecting others before myself; this causes me strife internally and externally.
I expend much more emotional energy into others expecting it will always be reciprocal and then I feign shock when it is not.
But I know that even when I am not surprised that I will do it again.
Because I believe in people.
I believe that no one is ever beyond needing others.
I know that I am not going to always be that other.
And I believe in love.
And I know that it will come back to me in one way or another.
Rinse and repeat.