Monthly Archives: May 2013

Shattering patterns, one crisis at a time….

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Shattering patterns, one crisis at a time….

So you know that dumb cliché that your children are your karma for what you did as a child?

Payback is a bitch.

Today marked the third LARGE parenting crisis I have had to deal with in the 16 years I have been a parent. Oddly enough, all three of them have happened when my children were the same age as I was, when I experienced practically the same crisis.

It’s really freaking scary. I have made bad decisions as a romantic relationship role model, that is for sure. But as far as everything else: school, work, self-advocacy, critical thinking, self-esteem, encouraging uniqueness, supporting their choices, not being a blind follower, talking about sex, drugs, and unconditional love, etc….I rock that.  I couldn’t imagine having to deal with any of the things I experienced because I have prided myself on being such a “better” parent than I had. And I am a better parent, my toolbox is better stocked. My education is more complete. But better is a relative term, I suppose.

The main difference between my parenting and my childhood is that I have made it a point to do the absolute opposite of what my parents did; in these specific situations.

And it’s hard.

I panic.

I don’t know what a “normal” parent would do.

I don’t always know what the appropriate thing to do is.

I know what I would tell a client.

I know what I would tell a friend.

But they aren’t my kids.

They aren’t me.

They don’t have my experiences.

And therein lies the rub.

All I can do is hope I have interrupted a pattern. Hope that when it’s my children’s turn as parents, that they don’t experience these crises. If they do, I hope they handle it even better than I did.

Rosetta Stone

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Rosetta Stone

A familiar sound,

the quiet howling released,

The well trod path

of a ravenous beast.

The longing burnt,

like an owner’s brand;

searing delicate skin

was her lover’s hand.

A feral gasp escaped;

another withheld sigh,

Neither questioned

what the other would deny.

Flames that flicker

leaving ash and coal;

errantly consuming

half the other’s soul.

Kismet written

in her freckled stars;

only translated 

by the chaos in his scars.

Things I have learned in the last 5 months….

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Things I have learned in the last 5 months….

I have been trying to remain conscious of the things that I am learning as I go…specifically about myself as I seem to ignore these sorts of things or distract myself with other things…I used to write updates of this sort on Myspace back in the olden days but then life got the best of me and I started being a robot. I don’t think robots remain present very often because there is no future for them so they just go through the motions unless they are adapting programs….You know like Data on STNG?

Anyhoo, I digress.

I would like to remain aware of what I am learning about myself as I enter this phase of my life that I finally feel pretty confident in my ability to navigate my own boat….

  1. I think I am attempting to live off of bread and butter pickles. It’s a thing. I thought it would get old but it hasn’t yet….C’est La Vie.
  2. Given all the freedom in the world and forcing myself to do things outside my comfort zone, I still end up on the left side of the bed. Where I belong. Don’t f*ck with me, it’s my side. 
  3. I really do still like beer when I am not having to anticipate dealing with BS.
  4. I am pretty outgoing; I have thought I was an introvert for a while but it was just the company I was keeping.
  5. I don’t feel like as much of a control freak when there is no drama. I don’t need to be. I am from here on out a DFZ (drama free zone)….anyone family, romantic, friend, whomever is a constant source of drama go away. Thanks Bubye.
  6. Sometimes I feel as though my true authentic self is more like Billy said than the person people know from my school. *shrug* The ones I let in know who I really am….AN ENIGMA muahahahahhahah
  7. I am a good dancer…unless it’s to Bollywood music. You win some, you lose some…
  8. Horses are still an important part of my psyche. I shall have to go riding and soon…It’s a thing. Although I was recently told that my totem animal is a wolf….which makes as much sense as it doesn’t.
  9. I am adaptable, if nothing else. I really hated the “city” so much when I got here, but I have gotten pretty good at navigating it and the people within it.
  10. I am an amazing pretender, role player, etc. In another life I’d have made a great actor/actress.
  11. In the two years since I stopped smoking, I have gained  back two half octaves that’s right for a total of THREE octaves in my range… WINNING….

the-more-you-know-o

 

Mother, Mother

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Mother, Mother

Maybe not meaningful to you but meaningful to me is the fact that this song came out the year I became a mother…albeit a pre-birth mother, but a mother aware of the child inside her all the same…

I identified with this song so much.

Somedays, I still do.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the men and women mothers or mother role holders, even the ones that weren’t close to perfect.

Oh my poor vanilla car.

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Oh my poor vanilla car.

The first time someone told me I didn’t live in Portland and my bumper stickers were going to cost me jobs, I rolled my eyes and laughed.

regina

The second time someone pointed out people might be suspicious of me as a social worker because of my bumper stickers, I was like “oh well, people learn when they are uncomfortable.”

judy

The third time I was like:

“OK FINE SWEET JEBUS. No, I don’t want to alienate my damn clients.”

walter

grumble grumble grumble hiss

So I finally stripped my poor car today.

Luckily, I was married to a redneck who did auto body and paint once, soooo I knew how to do it with out scratching my car but gees…

My poor car is humiliated.

She is vanilla.

She is now an asexual gender neutral it.

It is now apolitical.

The only thing that could offend my client’s now for sure is the fact it’s not American made.

Oh! And that it’s white. Damn it!

I have to draw the line.

But I suppose this is what being a grown-up anti-oppressive practitioner is.

Boo.

transitions lenses

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transitions lenses

I’ve redeveloped my love for this song….It suits me these days. I’m not angry. I am just going back to the path I was on once upon a time with some better understanding of myself….

I am getting so much closer to being a well rounded healthy individual!

YAY!

But until then…..Have some Ani.

Kisses

Jani

Growth and movement

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Growth and movement

Yesterday was a magical day of acceptance, evolution, good juju and I am pretty sure my personal atomic energy vibration went up a few steps. The following song has been kind of a friend the last couple years and I think I can finally let it go. So I share it with you for closure.

*tip of the hat, wag of the finger*

XOXO

Jani

DSABASMJ….

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DSABASMJ….

Dear sweet ancient baby alien space monkey, Jebus:

I am about to go to my interview for a job that could potentially lead me straight into a potential future I like, so I humbly ask:

  • Please don’t let me sound like an idiot or a fraud.
  • Please give me the magical Goddess inspired words to wow them.
  • Please let my interviewers be part of the 50% who sees yellow as cheerful, not the 50% who are made anxious by it.
  • Please let me get the right job if it is not this one, very quickly, in time to pay my stuff next month.

Humina-Humina, monkey dust, catholic mumbo jumbo, hoodoo voodoo, sacrificial animal of your choice, genuflection, crosses and rituals, dancing on one foot, spinning around, holding snakes, talking in tongues, holy water, smudge smoke, mecca lecca hi mecca hiney ho, and all that other sh*t.

Amen.

XOXO

Jani

Dirt(y)

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Dirt(y)

I’ve been fond of thinking,

rationalizing really,

that surface dirt collects

and the times that we don’t clean it

are the times that new things

are trying to take root

on hard surfaces

and need top soil.

I’ve been fond of thinking,

rationalizing really,

that my chaos is spinning

for the sake of growing taproots

to discover the ways I am

and who is an authentic me

Turns out,

I like being dirty.