Monthly Archives: January 2013

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Yes.

metaphorical marathons

you are lovely

Everything and anything in our life is and are just phases, states, or nuggets of time.

What they mean isn’t important. It is what you feel that matters.

So feel it. Go with it.

Be with this moment now because that is all you know to be true.

The rest will work itself out.

It always does.

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Isn’t it interesting…

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Isn’t it interesting…

…that somehow, people I barely know seem to be more receptive and understanding of my feelings. Classmates and almost strangers are like “you seem off, is everything ok?”” How was your break? you alright?” etc.

I’m dealing with something that is not a new thing for me but is just as painful perhaps even more so than it has been previously. I have received (from people who are supposed to be my friends and/or love me) comments such as:

“oh come on, after so many times it becomes a joke right?”

“I really think you did this to yourself and don’t know what you want from me.”

“You have vast experience in this, I don’t.”

“You can’t honestly expect people to help you through this again, do you?”

etc.

First off, regardless of how many times something sad happens to a person or how many times they experience something traumatic and heartbreaking doesn’t necessarily mean it diminishes in pain.

Second, stress, trauma, pain, grief, etc. are cumulative. It’s not a practice makes perfect thing.

Third, fuck you.

I think I need some new “friends.”

And….here….we….go!

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And….here….we….go!

I had my first supervision with my new supervisor today and I would just like to say upfront that I am pretty effing stoked about this new placement. Not only do I get to do community based social work that is essentially training me for my dream job, but I also get to do a lot of clinical work that I was afraid I would not be able to do because of the stupid track system at my grad school. We have to pick direct service, administrative or community based as our focus final year; I chose community based because of the future jobs that I want and my lack of professional experience in that venue. I had been pretty disappointed in that choice for the first few months of this year but now that I have this magical hybrid placement; I am pretty stoked. I feel good about my job prospects. I may not even have to move.

Moving is something that I feel like I should do, it’s my natural tendency to retreat back to my homey home when I am hurting and needing to regroup. However, that pattern never seems to work for me. I am not sure yet. The networking and opportunities here may outweigh the perceived benefits of running away home, Jack.

I digressed. Oh well.

I shall continue to digress in saying the following: the next few months are going to be different for me emotionally, financially, etc. My relationship is in transition (to what I am not sure), my sex life will be in remission, my formal education is ending, my $2,837,402,384,702,384,720,384 in student loans will be coming out of deferment,  my 2nd professional life will be beginning, and both of my kids will officially be teenagers in 3 months.

So you may read some vague posts here and there.

You may read some cryptic, sad, manic, or even downright dirty poetry.

You may feel that I am yelling at YOU specifically; but I won’t be.

I am just going to therapize myself through this blog and lucky you! You get to come for the ride.

You may want to take some Dramamine.

No really. I mean that.

XOXO

Fuck you, Oxytocin.

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Fuck you, Oxytocin.

I’ve come to agree

with all the cynics

love is just a fairytale

a myth made up for children

 

like God and Heaven

all that’s true

is lust and obsession

our need for need

 

Emotions are worthless tools

used to get what we want

not necessarily what we need

what we got in trade for instinct

 

Love is a fleeting feeling that

people gave a name to rationalize

the way they use their bodies

the way they use each other

 

Sex is an exchange of energy

sometimes even a manipulation

just to steal power

that won’t be given freely

 

You try and displace the feeling

know all the while it’s not real

But push the thought out

follow the chemical path of “emotion”

 

Back to damn emotions

their pseudo-erotic tendencies

the manipulations we use on ourselves

how we set our sadistic selves up for pain

 

Over and over patterns are repeated

even after you become conscious of them

you allow yourself to believe again…

GOD DAMN TV

The state or quality of being resolute

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The state or quality of being resolute
res·o·lu·tion  (rz-lshn) n.
1. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination.
2. A resolving to do something.
3. A course of action determined or decided on.
4. A formal statement of a decision or expression of opinion put before or adopted by an assembly such as the U.S. Congress.
5. Physics & Chemistry The act or process of separating or reducing something into its constituent parts:the prismatic resolution of sunlight into its spectral colors.
6. The fineness of detail that can be distinguished in an image, as on a video display terminal.
7. Medicine The subsiding or termination of an abnormal condition, such as a fever or an inflammation.
8. Law A court decision.
9. a. An explanation, as of a problem or puzzle; a solution. b. The part of a literary work in which the complications of the plot are resolved or simplified.
10. Music a. The progression of a dissonant tone or chord to a consonant tone or chord. b. The tone or chord to which such a progression is made.
11. The substitution of one metrical unit for another, especially the substitution of two short syllables for one long syllable in quantitative verse.

Every year I come up with the same resolutions as most of the western world and the same resolutions are broken every year. This year, this year of the goddess magic number 13, my 33rd year…..I am doing something different. I am not going to resolve to eat less meat or more meat, I am not going to resolve to stop smoking (cause I did it in June 2011 BOOM).

I am not going to resolve to drink less or cuss less or focus on any of the things I find negative about myself. Even the world resolution implies a problem….I am changing my perspective and I am going to focus on things that are positive. With that in mind, I share with you the following 10 determinations as always to be shared in this public forum as a means of keeping myself accountable. Salud.
  1. I shall continue my self-care through various means of self-development such as painting, continuing affirmations, meditation, finishing my french courses, blogging, playing my guitar, writing poetry, yoga, walking, etc. 
  2. I shall finish the following workbooks and actually do the work…When I got with my husband I stopped the work and that was a mistake: You can Heal your life by Louise Hays and my new one Getting Unstuck by Karen Casey.
  3. I shall continue to establish, reestablish and strengthen my own boundaries.
  4. I shall only encourage and accept things that make me glow into my life.
  5. I shall strive to meet people where they are.
  6. I shall read for knowledge, enlightenment, pleasure and requirement…in balance.
  7. I shall strive for balance in all things and be ever mindful of this immediate goal.
  8. I shall be outside, in nature as often as possible, with and without purpose, even if this means the death of my facebook.
  9. I shall let go of things and reduce my clutter. Physically, mentally and abstractually.
  10. I shall work to stay present.

“The beginning of freedom is the realization that you are not “the thinker.” ~Eckhart Tolle

heebie jeebies.

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There are lots of things that kind of freak me out. I remember once I was using a wire beater in front of my kitchen window and the spines broke and well,  exploded really; hitting the window and making a horrible sound.

I about lost my shit, thinking my partner’s ex shot me. Now, granted, after the fact it was hilarious and the people who witnessed me hit the ground and check for blood probably still get a laugh from it.  Only now do I reflect upon the fact that I must have thought I had it coming to assume they would actually shoot me; I digress.

Other frightening things are the shadow next to a bed (which is a number one reason my bed doesn’t have a space between it and the floor), wearing choker necklaces, FEMA Camp, global thermonuclear war, old Victorian houses, zombie virus/apocalypse, spider webs (not spiders), blah blah. Like I am going to just give you them all! Pshhh. I am sure the NSA has them all on file somewhere from those stupid “quizzes” I filled out on MySpace a million years ago.

Anyhoo….back to the original point….I was just in my room, folding laundry, putting it away, listening to music really loud, dancing and enjoying myself when all of a sudden I had the clearest mind picture of someone unknown coming up behind me and harming me. WTF is that. It was one of the oddest feelings I have ever had. Truly, a someone just walked on my grave type of sensation. I have experienced déjà vu, but this was so different. Eeek.

Me no likey.

I hope in some alternative universe/dimension I am ok.