What do I have to say about anything, really.

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What do I have to say about anything, really.

I have been struggling the last month or so to find something meaningful to write about. I have written a couple of poems, reposted a couple of blogs and given some sort of something every few days, but nothing of substance. I find myself very introspective these days and trying to weed out what is appropriate to write about and what isn’t is particularly difficult for me as this isn’t an anonymous blog. Many thoughts I would like to share are probably not appropriate in a

“Before you speak, think -Is it necessary? Is it true? Is it kind? Will it hurt anyone? Will it improve on the silence?” ~ Sri Sathya Sai Baba

kinda way, however taking into account Mr. Ruiz’s 3rd agreement*, I can’t assume that, so here goes. 

I am working a job that makes me feel very humbled. I am happy to finally have a job, but at the same time often angry about it. I have become a job snob and many times feel that this job is below me. Now, before you hate on me, understand this. This is a job I have done before and for many years. BUT it is also a job that I have spent nearly $100,000 dollars to prevent myself from having to work and look how that has turned out. I’m angry.

Above and beyond that, I took this job and have turned down several interviews that may have been “better” jobs but I was under the impression this job was something different, would provide insurance and more hours. As it sits, I have only been scheduled 8-14 hours a week and on really shitty days. I am the FNG and it shows. Yay me.

My relationship is in the f**king crapper which I am sure is no surprise to anyone who knows me. I am just not relationship material. I cling to things and people even after I have outgrown them or something. I always hope people will grow with me, but it seems I always grow away from people. I have not mastered this magically ability to foster and nurture myself while supporting others; I seem to foster and nurture them until I am so withered I retreat into myself only to find myself distanced and resentful of the other party who feels entirely neglected and uncared for. I don’t know how to romantically love someone else and myself at the same time in a healthy way. One of us is neglected. And being sad makes me angry.

I feel like the Hulk.

Only less productive.

I try so hard to find the light, I always have and until recently, the last year or so I have been really good at focusing, reevaluating and changing directions to make something work. But I don’t know if my soul is tired, my give a shit too strained or if I am simply getting too old to deal with the drama, but I am over it.

Instead of putting on a happy face and looking for the lesson, the opportunities, the reason things are the way they are and having faith that they will work out and staying in the moment, I just feel like given the world a great big

And that is just so not like me.

I play tough.

I seem smart and evolved.

I could even convince you that I am some sort of indigo child that is misunderstood and anachronistic.

But really I am just fucked up.

And sick of everything.

See why I haven’t been writing?

Oy.

“In a web that is my own, I begin again…..”

 

 

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4 responses »

  1. Fucked up? Maybe. But who isn’t in there own ways. Genius? Yes; you’re able to ride that thin line above status quo while keeping yourself aware and vulnerable. I call that a sweet spot. I hope you continue to say more because in my opinion, it’s certainly better than silence but I don’t think you have the volume quite high enough.

  2. Hey Jani sure it sucks when people don’t grow with you- it often sucks hard- but it’s still not a good reason not to keep going forward. And you obviously get that.

    You sound full of fire and spirit and life right now.

    So get angry – why the hell not? Sometimes it’s what we need to do to get from a to b. Being uncomfortable is a million times better than being asleep.

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