Wouldacouldashoulda…welll mayyybe, eh, no.

Wouldacouldashoulda…welll mayyybe, eh, no.

Sometimes, when I am in the midst of my “what might have beens” I like to think back to what could have been pivotal ages, pivotal choices that in alternate universes may have been diverging points….You know, if I didn’t think that every choice, interaction and the related changes EVERYTHING 🙂 No pressure, choosing white or wheat at Subway of course….Would I go back? Would I make different choices? Would I whisper in my younger selves ear?

Anywhoo….while in a near boiling bath ignoring my very real reality I decided, 14. That is the age of which everything changed for me…gears were already in motion, but I recognized them and deliberately chose another way…All the Tims, TJs, Lisas and Dans, Beckys and Brians…or was it Bryan? hmmmm

It reminded me of a poem I wrote then, in Lisa’s basement, when I lived with them….


Too big, too fast

with no way to go back

a yellow childhood

turned to a life of black

No mommy to hold me

a father not there

a child all alone

God it’s not fair

Pray to the heavens

confess all your sins

Don’t you remember?

The nice guy never wins.

A mouth open wide

but you don’t hear me sing

you listen to the melody

but don’t know what I mean

Find a happy medium

somewhere among the gray

If you said you ever loved me

understand my words today.


And then I realized, NO. I would never go back then 🙂

14-year-old Jani was surprisingly more effed up than 32-year-old Jani.


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