I have been lazy with my blog; graduate school and life have been somewhat overwhelmingly paralyzing as of late. So many things are changing in my world, internally and externally; it is hard to keep up sometimes. I know others feel this way, I think it is a consequence of the technological advances, speed of life and perhaps just the global adjustments to energy fluctuations. Who knows why, but it is what it is.
So I have been trying very conscientiously to stay in the moment and to reflect on my feelings and the reasons behind those feelings.
“The beginning of freedom is the realization that you are not the possessing entity, the thinker…” ~Eckhardt Tolle
Ok, so maybe trying to stay in the moment and yet reflect are opposing concepts, to some extent, but I am trying. BACK OFF!
Hm. Really what keeps coming to mind this week is the fact that my boychild turns 15 on Monday.
I remember where I was on my 15th birthday. I had just gone “home” to visit. I was there with my best friend, her soon to be husband, our friend L whom I was supposed to be interested in (cause it would have been very convenient), my first love, and a few friends. My dad made me german chocolate cake. I have pictures. Maybe I will attach one. But to remember that day so clearly, what was going on, the things in my head that I was thinking, its all very surreal to imagine my child being that old and yet being so different from me. Or is he?
I remember going and changing my clothes because the boy I was madly in love with told me he liked me better in a different outfit. We weren’t together. But I did it. I changed my clothes. On my muthatrucking birthday.
I remember falling over in the garage while smoking and hitting my head so hard I blacked out for a few seconds; I was more concerned that people would think how clumsy I was, than whether I had a concussion. I probably did.
I had been living on my own for a couple of years, with and without friends. I was doing things NO 15-year-old should do.
I had just gotten my HED, similar to a GED, back before they checked your id for those things.
My son, he does things his own way. Always has. He is not a cookie cutter kid, that is for sure. But he is probably the coolest kid you will ever meet. He reminds me so much of a boy I knew once upon a time, who has a really cool mom. She was constantly challenged, proud and intrigued by the boy. He grew up to be a really good, capable and smart man. I know my boy will too. The way his brain works fascinates and stumps me. To have been privy to his first verbally acknowledged thought processes, wonder about his secret ones and have him share with me his new evolving thought processes is a perpetual gift.
I like to think that he couldn’t live on his own, make his way like I did. But he probably could. He is much more capable than this Mama wants to believe. The conversations that we hold have shown me this. Rather than having a big expensive birthday and presents, he wants me to make him a cake. He wants his grown up friend Matt, to spend the weekend. So I am going to drive to Eugene to pick Matt up. He doesn’t want me to spend money because money is tight. (which simultaneously breaks my heart that he knows and yet warms my heart that he is probably a little more fiscally responsible than I, because I would have maxed a credit card for a gift had he asked for one.)
He has his 5 year plan in progress. It’s different from the 5 year plan I had for him and the 5 year plan I had for myself at his age. But as he gets older, I realize more and more, it’s not my plan. 🙂 That is the point. I am not the thinker. I get to observe the thinker.
Happy Mother’s Day.