I haven’t blogged in a while. It’s been a combination of not having time and not having really anything nice or uplifting to say about anything. Yesterday was probably the lowest day energy and attitude-wise I have had in a couple years. I don’t think that it was necessarily anything in particular, just a lame culmination of the last few months and the proverbial straw on the camel’s back. So as things just seemed to domino in my world, professionally and of course personally because I am not one of those cool people that can leave my job at the office…. I just kind of gave up yesterday.
But as I always do, I woke up this morning and decided to try again cause really that’s all you can do.
I went to work, decided no matter what I was going to have a good GD day.
And I did.
I helped a family get housed that has been in shelter since January and it was a win. I really left work yesterday sure that it would not happen for them and rehearsing that conversation of sadness.
When I went to the shelter today to meet them and have them sign some final paperwork, I was showered in the grace of the experience. Everyone there is like a family. The family I work with has been there longer than anyone else in the shelter and literally had a couple days left on their 3rd extension. Everyone was happy and congratulating them, high fives, hugs, tears, etc. Their kids? One of them was so happy he was about to burst. He couldn’t even imagine having a room of his own again. The mom who has not let herself have any hope the last few months was over the moon. I honestly had never seen her smile a real smile. She had not even allowed herself the anticipation of this house.
It was the best experience I can remember having in a long time.
And it reminded me of this song:
So I ask you….
What is YOUR fire?
Is it waiting for fuel?
Are you the fuel for someone else’s?
Whatever lights that passion in you, however briefly….
The fuel is out there.
Let the spin stop.
Ignore the distractions and feel the burn.
By an odd coincidence, this week your tattoo is getting covered up;
Under the ocean it will be.
Reflectively, my time with you was the happiest
I’d been until now, a true peace I have found, it
Eluded you I guess.
Dreamed you hadn’t died, that you were in a caved in hole but watched you climb out on the news…
That reverie, I like to think it was you coming out of your darkest place, crawling toward the light.
Honestly, I learned so much from you, practical and emotional you taught me many things.
Echoes of his six word story come to me late at night
“Bullies are just very sad people…”
Understanding of you came later,
Life and love are funny that way.
Looking back, my own ignorance was bliss…
Even the most negative memories somehow benefit from it;
The lens filter of time.
*I doubt they will play this for you, but I know you always wanted it at your service so I will post it for you here.
Love and Light.
Sometime last year my friend Daniel posted a video of a girl sitting in a car with a crazy system. She appeared to be, well, really enjoying it. I called bullshit. Maybe if it was a Harley I said, but not “just” bass.
Well, this previous summer I had to buy a hamster car…totally stock 2013 Kia Soul, but it has a freaking badass stock system. This song came on my Pandora station and suffice it to say, I was driving down I-84 and had to pull off for a second or 4 minutes.
I doubt most computers can pick up the low frequencies in this song, but if you have a way to find it and play it through a good system, it’s pretty effing sweet.
Ladies, you are all welcome.
Men, you should buy this album for
me. er, your lady, if you like ladies.
Oh, Valentine’s. What a strange holiday. I decided to send one of my loves a video on the Facebook “kiss with a fist” because of the potential interpretations and started pondering potential interpretations…Is that song promoting domestic violence? Is it a secret lady love song? Hmmm. I digress.
My original purpose for finally posting after a being a fairly negligent blogger was to share some insight for my impending
doom er, birthday. I am officially going to be in my mid-thirties rather than my early thirties….I am not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been; the realization of that has been enormous. No longer do I truly wish to be the size 4 of my youth, I am ok with what I look like and the size I am…Not to say I do not wish to be more svelte and healthy but I do not feel unlovable because I do not have a BMI of 20. I am more able to acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses without feeling too terribly defensive of either; unconditional love of self is amazing. Having someone do that for you to mirror is a gift.
I am growing more comfortable with the place that I live. Although I still have the inherent panic of “in case of zombie apocalypse where the f**k will I go and what if they blow the bridges and what if the Cascadia Fault goes, etc. etc etc.” HOWEVER, it is much more manageable. I worry less and drink more. It’s a thing and I am OK with it.
I could go on and on about what I have learned just in the last year, but I will leave you with a mere ten vague thoughts, as is customary for me. Cheers.
- Do something different and uncomfortable and scary. It could turn out to be the best choice you ever make. Or it could be the worst…Either way, it’s an adventure.
- Never stop trying.
- Always apologize and sincerely, screw pride. No one is right, perspectives are just different.
- Glasses are great and all, but sometimes we all look a little better in soft focus.
- Drink more water.
- Drink more wine.
- Eat more chocolate.
- Have more sex.
- Always say goodnight.
- Just because A, B, C, D, and E did _________, does not mean F will.
That is all my loves. Off to get some birthday ink set up.
When we come together,
it’s hard to tell who’s skin is who’s.
Are you entering me?
Am I covering you?
No matter, we merge.
No blending required.
Bootstraps. Pull yourself up by them!
Unless you are barefoot and pregnant….and that was YOUR decision. Fu*king breeders!
Just kidding. I get tired of feeling like I have to explain my clients or enlighten people on oppression and poverty and every other ism that exists in my world (your world too, just FYI). I digress.
When I started out down the social work path, I was very vigilant and ready to educate the masses; I was excited to understand the criminal justice population I had previously been working with in another light. I wanted to fix the world, change society.
Now I just want to help individuals. I am sure that is why nothing changes and if it does it is a very slow painful process….because all our passion gets sucked out and replaced by not apathy but sheer exhaustion. Or we feel liuke we did something by liking something on Facebook or blogging about it or signing a dumb ass petition on change dot org….
You can’t fix ______________ so you just try to negate the damage.
It’s sad, but it is what it is.
I read this today and thought it was a nice look into the lives of the people some of you are blaming and bitching about.
And just for fun, here is my favorite explanation of white privilege for you white boys who don’t believe in it.
I hope Daniel reads this.
I really have been neglecting my blog….out living life and being in love and junk…… but I do think of you often…. my readers ;) But I wanted to share this with you as I was salvaging my poor dying computer’s data onto a gigantic TB external hard drive…..
I am also doing this thankfulness thing on Facebook….And my November 2nd thankfulness? I am thankful for love and Damon.
Proof that things can be created with thought…especially when working with powerful people… Cody and Alanna helped on this…. and the list below? I wrote that in February/March and lo and behold…. come July BAM. Got it.
I only ever wanted to fall asleep smiling.
Sleeping while smiling
a most admirable feat,
Seen by another
Smiling in ones sleep
One of many things we know,
Only through others.
secrets shared between
lucid dreams and reverie
trust as a real verb
we allow our hearts to bloom;
a midnight blossom.
Jasmine in moonlight
a slow growing southern treat
winter can unfurl
Better to be still
held in memory, a smile
Viewed when you need it
The warmth of winter
radiating from the south,
waiting to enfold.
bleak the path becomes
when we expect summer heat
yet feel bitter cold
The role of the muse
is to inspire the passions
myriad, though they may be.
Don’t expect summer.
Rather, be the source of heat:
radiant and true.
The list of traits I require:
- Cannot hate their mother;
- Cannot be in or formerly in the Army: Active, Guard or Reserve;
- Cannot be less than 30 years old or more than 40 years old;
- Cannot be an adrenaline junkie;
- No misanthropists;
- No misogynists;
- No racists;
- No bigots;
- No bullies;
- Must have a good vocabulary;
- Must be honorable;
- Must read books;
- Should expect as much as I do;
- Should believe in respect, trust, loyalty, and honesty;
- Must practice No. 14;
- Must believe omission is the same as a lie;
- Must have outside interests;
- Must dance;
- Must be able to drive a stick shift; and
- Must not have any unsupported children.
Don’t forget to play! It keeps you young…..
Anyone who has ever been out gambling with me at a casino knows that if I do anything but play penny/nickel slots, I become quite nauseated. Regardless of how much money I have to blow, I always spend my time thinking of what I SHOULD be spending that measly 10 dollars on.
In my personal life, I find that it appears that I gamble a lot. I try to always be willing to put my money where my mouth is and am willing to lose big for the potential payout. It bites me in the ass at times (ok more often than not), but it has always worked out eventually… Even if that payout is only that I have the ability to keep playing.
Right now in my world, I am slightly gun-shy and have the potential to win big and I am fu*king scared as shit. And it is a safe bet! Comparatively speaking. I’m looking down the barrel of a more sure thing than I can remember ever experiencing…
So what is the fear from?
Is it the fear of potential loss?
Is it the fear of trusting in myself?
Is it the fear of trusting someone else?
Is it the fear of a blow to my ego if I am wrong again?
Or is it the fear of being successful?
I am not sure.
My eyes are open but I am jumping off this cliff.
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ~ John Lennon
123 Main St.
Somewhere, WA 12345
September 18, 2013
It has come to my attention that while I have jumped through all of your stupid damn hoops from birth through today, apparently I am still missing something… I understand adversity develops character; yet it also breeds contempt. I’ve done all the things I am “supposed” to do (married baby daddy, divorced baby daddy when he done me wrong, went to school, went back to school, got a stupid masters degree, I don’t beat my children, I’m kind and generous, stay conscientious of being positive and helping others, and so on and so on) and I still find I am constantly freaking struggling. Could you maybe back the f**k off for a second?
Now don’t get me wrong, while I am incredibly grateful for the things I have going RIGHT in my world, ie: my love, my kids, my health, my friends, my first world problems, etc.; I do not find it incredibly selfish of me to simply want enough money to make it less hard. I do not like worrying about whether I can pay for my child’s instrument rental or their school supplies or whether I will be able to wash my clothes without having to go to a laundry mat in the event that my W/D break because my landlord is raising my rent yet not continuing to provide maintenance on the appliances. I do not want to worry about if I am going to get child support to pay my car payment so I can go to said laundry mat or my invisible job or my child’s cross country meets.
Can’t I just have a break? One whole annual quarter where EVERYTHING goes RIGHT? Some breathing room would be nice.
Or maybe just a heads up or a clue to what it is I am supposed to be learning that I apparently keep missing?
Grateful, yet over it.
Sometimes I really really love Rob Brezsny’s horoscopes :) check them out: http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/
I needed this one this week.
A. Because I need a muthatruckin J-O-B and;
B. I do have someone that looks at me like Lindsey looked at Stevie sooooo…. intention is magic.
“Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic,” says the poet Marty McConnell. That’s good advice, Pisces — not just in regards to your intimate relationships, but about all your other alliances, too. If you’re seeking a friend or consultant or business partner or jogging companion or new pet, show a preference for those creatures who look at you like maybe you are magic. You always need to be appreciated for the sweet mystery and catalytic mojo you bring to your partnerships, but you especially need that acknowledgment now. “